Like many families adopting from Ethiopia, we don't know when our sons' birthdays are. On paper A turned six this summer, but he is likely older. On paper D turned five this summer, but he is likely younger. The pediatrician and the dentist both thought their legal birthdays were off by a bit, but by less than one year. So we decided to celebrate A's birthday six months early, and D's birthday six months late. This will make them be two years apart instead of one (anyone who has seen them can tell you that they are at least two years apart). We are keeping their legal birth dates, at least for now, because changing them by less than a year would be hard, and would require letters that their health care providers would be reluctant to write. But we are now referring to A as seven years old, and to D as almost-five years old. The boys know that their "important papers" list their birthdays in the summer but they know that their papers are not accurate.
We celebrated A's birthday this month. What was going to be a small celebration ended up growing to 19 kids and their accompanying adults in our little house, and this was with no school friends here. We invited the kids from our street and from the park, our usual playdate friends E, J, and M, and friends from the Ethiopian church. It was a lot of fun. The kids played, we had pizza, there was a treasure hunt, and there was cake. Simple and happy. A loved it.
D had a hard time both with the attention A was getting and with all the noise and people. His birthday celebration will be much smaller.
Better to celebrate birthdays during the school year, anyway. My son has a July birthday and hates it because he doesn't get to celebrate at school and some of his friends always miss the party because they are on vacation with their families. (I realize this is not the most important factor in your decision, but a practical reality.) And, yes, having met your kids, I would say there are AT LEAST two years between them.
ReplyDeleteWe might try to legally change their birthdays at some point. But with their current pediatrician and dentist not willing to definitively say their ages are wrong, it would be somewhat of a challenge.
DeleteAhhh yes, the struggle with birthdays. Our son celebrated his 6th birthday in October, though I know he is older. The hardest part I have with it all is figuring out how much to tell the kids about that issue, how much to explain. It seems like one more unknown to have to add to their little life. Over the summer the kids had to be six to all go to this YMCA program together (all 3 older kids were super excited and MB was clearly mature enough). On paper MB was only 5 at the time and so I wrote 6 when I signed him in. And then my two older kids immediately called me out in front of the director for putting the wrong age. Ugggg. I did a mumbling side step about how he is probably really 6 and he is clearly old enough for the program. Still not sure I handled it correctly or not.
ReplyDeleteI explained the situation to the people at our YMCA and they were very willing to go in and change the birthdates on their computer. This was just for classes though, not for an extended program. We have been very upfront with the boys about their legal vs likely-correct birthdays, but even with that, they've latched on to the day they are having a birthday party as the only day that matters. I assume their understanding will evolve as they mature, and they can have some role in deciding what date to use.
DeleteEven if you wanted to do it legally, I would NEVER do it the first year home. I upped the oldest two years, and clearly that was not enough, but I don't know how many people go in and redo things a second time. Teachers, psychologist, and others all said he is NOT that young and I think the paper age was four years off. I think actually immigration may be more accurate than I believed. Of course they see a lot of kids. I am amazed Your children's paper dates were so accurate.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the advice. I agree it doesn't make sense to change the date until we are more certain about what the right date is.
DeleteRe: birthday parties - my daughter LOVES her birthday. When she was smaller a whole year was a long time to wait, so we celebrated her 1/2 birthday with cake and singing etc. It was really fun. Sounds like you could do half birthdays as well.. or some kind of other celebration because we all know there are never to many reasons to have cake. :-).
ReplyDeleteI think we'll do a party in the summer as well, on the legal date. To keep our options open.
DeleteWe are very fortunate to feel as certain as we can about K's birthdate. But, of course, that's due to her particular circumstances and super-young age at referral. It sounds like you guys have done some good thinking and evaluating about ages, and that you had a great celebration for A! (19 kids plus parents?! Yikes!)
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