Saturday, September 29, 2012

Talking about Burji

Lately D has been talking a lot about Burji. Mostly it's minor variations on the basic story of his life: "When I was little I lived there. Now I live here." We also talk a lot about how "I have two families." He's pretty proud of how much family he has. He often asks me what time it is in Burji and what his family is doing, and I tell him they're making lunch, or bringing the cows in, or getting ready for bed.

A couple of months ago we started looking at more pictures from Burji and last week we watched part of the video of us meeting his family. I was thrilled that when he asked me, "Was I born when the sun was up or when the sun was down?" we could go back to the video and find the answer.

Any time D and I look at new pictures or discuss anything new, I make sure to catch A up when he comes home from school. A doesn't talk about Burji as much, but he's more likely to offer new thoughts. He sometimes tells me when things here remind him of Burji or how things here are different from Burji.

I always try to stress how much both their families love them and how proud of them we both are.

We made another phone call to the neighbor in Burji to report that A started school. This time we told the boys ahead of time that we would call, with great excitement and talk of how excited their family would be to hear the news. They did not want to participate, but were definitely interested.

We sent a photo album to a family who will travel to Ethiopia soon, to deliver to our agency who will eventually deliver it to Awassa, six hours away from Burji, where it will await someone from the village to come and get it.

It all feels very positive, though I think the reason behind that is not great: they're forgetting. When they first came, most things related to Ethiopia really stressed them out. Now Ethiopia is getting more abstract. They've lost their Amharic and I think their Burjinya too. At the same time, they're starting to enjoy the Ethiopian church more. They're fine looking at pictures of their family. They like reading books about Ethiopia and Africa. Because it's becoming distant and disconnected. I don't know how to change that, or if it's inevitable. Should we be trying to call more often? Should I give them stronger encouragement to talk on the phone? How do we do that if they no longer share a language with their family? I'm interested to hear what other families are doing to have a more "open" adoption.

13 comments:

  1. I love how you talk about their other family with so much respect and how much you hope to keep them connected. I think in the long run this will serve everyone well.

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    1. I hope so, but it's taken me by surprise how quickly the connection has faded. I hope we will eventually develop a healthy dual identity.

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  2. I suspect Ethiopia is still very real to them; they just might not have the English to express it. One and a half years later, with their Amharic and/or Sidaminga far gone, Ethiopia is still very real to our two. As they experience more here in America and learn how to speak about it they share more.

    We have a pretty "open" adoption with one of our kids' families via a searcher and so far it is going really well. We are able to make contact when we want and are now working to maybe set up a post office box in Ethiopia that family can receive mail at and hopefully even send mail if we can figure out a way to make it work. Just last week that child asked, for the first time, to make contact with family in Sidama. When I was able to say yes, I could feel some stress they had been carrying around melt. We sat down and picked out some pictures to send and composed a simple message. That child just seemed to need to share what had been going on in their lives and what they were proud of these days. The pictures and message should arrive early next week.

    We can't establish an open adoption for our other child, but we have been making lots of contact with people that volunteered at the orphanage they spent most of their life at and every new picture helps them open up a little more and, I believe, integrate their life back in Ethiopia with their present life. It's certainly not easy, but it seems so worth it.

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    1. I hope you are right, that it is still very real.
      How do you send your messages? Does the searcher facilitate? I'm interested in any details you feel comfortable sharing.

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    2. We email or mail our searcher and he delivers whatever we send and translates. We've sent video (which is shown on the searcher's laptop) and pictures and received the same in return. The first time we contacted the family, we found out that they could no longer receive post placement reports because the local agency office where they were supposed to pick them up had closed. They got one and then could not get any more. They thought they would never see or hear from our (mutual) child again. Lately we have been in contact fairly frequently.

      This particular searcher works in Sidama and speaks five or so languages predominant in the area, so he also does the translation. I can share some more if you like privately (dakota corey at hotmail dot com); I can't share the searcher's name or information, but can put you in contact with the person that can (although I'm not sure if he works in Burji.

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    3. That sounds like a really great arrangement.

      There have been a total of four international adoptions from Burji (our group was the first and last) so that particular searcher probably doesn't work there. But if we could find someone else with a laptop...

      Thank you for all the information. I hope others find it helpful too.

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  3. You're way ahead of us. Ayub still doesn't want to talk about Ethiopia at all. "Ethiopia yucky." When we try to ask questions about his life/family in Afar, he makes up stories, usually including Batman. It makes me sad. We have talked about how he will always stay with us and have two families, but I think he is still scared that if he talks about it, it's real, and if it's real, we might send him back there. So sad.

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    1. We went through that phase and still do, to some extent, with the church, where we are surrounded by Ethiopians. I feel like we need to keep sending the message, in every way possible, that Ethiopia and America are both part of our family identity, and neither is going anywhere anytime soon, and maybe at some point it will stick.

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  4. I just left a note on FB, but want to comment here. It's very tricky to balance their life in Ethiopia w/ their birth family, life in the care center and life in America. Our son has complicated feelings about it; one day he'll be fine talking about life in his village, the next he will say he never wants to go back and then later he will say he misses his Ennat and Wondim so much that we have to save our electricity to have enough money to buy a plane ticket. With our son I am not sure he knows how to reconcile it all; he loves his birth family, he loves us, he loves America and he Loves Bensa... It's tough. Very tough. And also sad when you see they are forgetting. Of course we want their little feet firmly planted in this new life, but what's the trade off? ...and how inevitable is it? Some local friends who have been home with their kids for 5 years (twins adopted as infants) recently returned for a birth family visit. It went really well for them. I often wonder how our kids would fare; particularly our son who has clear and complicated memories... how do you know when they are ready?

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    1. On the one hand, I want to take them back as soon as possible, before they completely forget, and on the other hand, I visualize the epic tantrums that such a visit would cause at this point, before they've integrated the two parts of their lives.

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  5. T is very clear -- Disney World first, then Ethiopia...

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  6. Mrs. R,

    I have been following your journey since day one, and I want to congratulate you on your new family. You are doing an amazing job, don't ever doubt that. How lucky are they to have someone as caring, and who still wants to preserve their cultural identity. I was so fortunate to have you as my 5th grade teacher; sorry for the headaches ;). I deactivated my facebook, and am focusing solely on grad school, and getting my MPH in Epidemiology, at the moment. But, I just had to leave a few words of encouragement.

    Best wishes to you and your family,
    Roberto A. Terrones

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    1. Roberto,

      I read your note this morning with D sitting right next to me, and all I could think was:

      Don't cry.
      Don't cry.
      Don't cry.

      You made my day. My week.

      Thank you.

      And an MPH in epidemiology! I'm so proud!!!!

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