Wednesday, February 29, 2012

What to expect

Family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, everyone is soooo thrilled at the thought that we could soon bring our beautiful boys to the U.S. I can't express how much I appreciate the excitement. I LOVE that so many people already love our kids. So it's hard to write this, but I feel that people need to know what to expect when the boys first arrive.

Below are some excerpts of what other parents adopting older children from Ethiopia have experienced. Please read them. Maybe we'll get lucky and won't face these issues, but realistically, we will deal with at least some of them:

"He completely loses control: hitting, biting, kicking, tearing apart his room."

"Our son had shrieking tantrums that lasted up to seven hours."

"He would hit, spit, bit and scream at the top of his lungs."

"The smallest change in schedule sent my kids into a total tailspin for weeks." 

"He screams if I am out of his sight for one second, even to go to the bathroom."

"Violent outbursts when we were first home, manipulation, indiscriminate affection and 'normal' tantrums."

Are we worried? Nope - we're excited! We're excited for ALL of it. We know what we signed up for, and we're looking forward to helping the boys heal from the tremendous losses they have faced.

Thanks for all the love, it means the world.

25 comments:

  1. Yep, that's about right. While nothing can really prepare you, it helps to be informed. Let me just add that sleep deprivation amplifies all the crappy stuff. Do all you can to get everyone a good nights sleep. =)

    I can't wait to see pics of those beautiful in their new home. They are lucky to have such well-informed, understanding parents.

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  2. Yep, I remember violently going through "Adopting the Hurt Child" trying to find the passage that said this was all "normal" behavior...and oh, how the hell to deal with it!

    We're here for you and it's always good to know that you are not the only who has gone/is going through this.

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  3. Guess what Meg, one of those quotes above was from you. I'm so happy things are going more smoothly for y'all now. Do you have any suggestions for sleeping? We will all sleep in the same room for a while.

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  4. The one about screaming if we even went to the bathroom was totally our story, though it was weepy screaming, which is just so heartbreaking I can hardly stand to think about those days. Even now I can tell we're about to have a sensitive day if I can't get out of bed in the morning without my daughter waking and crying to be carried into the bathroom with me. (She still sleeps with us, 17 months later--we just resigned ourselves to it and bought a bigger bed.) I always joke that if I write a memoir, it will be called, "You'll Never Pee Alone." Humor helps in the hard times. You're going to do great!

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  5. Oh yes, as an infant my son completely freaked out if I was out of sight. And the hardest part was insisting that well meaning friends and family NOT leap in to comfort him. I'd bring him to the bathroom with me instead. (Privacy? ha hahaha! I love Marymuses book title!) But newly adopted kids are often in parent shopping mode, and the last thing they need is confusion about exactly who the parent is. That caused a lot of tension with my mother, whew, A LOT.

    The advice I wish I'd heard early on would be not to be swayed by parents who have not adopted trying to interpret my child's behaviour and telling me everything was fine. It wasn't. It still isn't. (But it is incredibly joyful and rewarding too!) Trust yourselves.

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  6. Marymuses, that quote might be yours!

    Barbaloot, I thought about putting in a link to your entire blog, especially for people who say, "You got them young enough that they'll be fine." You love that one, right? :)

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    1. Link away! Send them here: http://zelalaland.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-to-be-aps-best-friend.html

      I love hearing that my son could not possibly remember anything pre-adoption. My son actually reacted VERY strongly when he first saw an image similar to what he would have seen the last time he saw his birth mom, when he was one month old. Completely freaked me out, but it was undeniable. His reaction has faded, but he still has a strong interest in imagery that is similar to the place he last saw her.

      The thing that surprised me most was how long it took some things to surface. Superficially, my son was much less anxious at one year home than at two years home, but really I think he was not yet comfortable enough to show his anxiety.

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  7. You can add "My shins were black and blue for weeks. I showed them to the pediatrician, asking for help, and she just shrugged it off. That's when I knew I was really on my own to figure this out."

    As far as using the bathroom is concerned, be prepared for no privacy for a while. I remember desperately waiting for S to get home so I could poop. The pee I could do quickly before the kid had an inkling what was up if I managed to distract him (here, here's a cookie for you!) just before I dashed. But poop -- that had to wait until S was in the house.

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  8. Two rules for a tantruming child:

    1) His shoes come off before you do anything else.

    2) If you're outside, both wearing nylon coats, and you need to carry him from point A to point B (this is especially fun when they weigh 40 pounds or so and you have to walk a quarter of a mile in below freezing temps), it will be impossible unless one of you has the nylon coat removed. It will be easier to remove yours than his. Once you get home, you will then need to devise a plan to retrieve your coat from in front of whatever neighbor's house.

    T learned the drill and one day pitched a fit just about as we got to our next door neighbor's. The snow pack at that time was up to my hips. He just started undressing and pitching everything into their yard. Hat, mittens, boots, coat -- it all went flying. And he's got an arm, so it wasn't like I could just lean over and pick it up. No, there were four foot high snowbanks to climb over/through first, and then I got to wallow around in the yard finding and picking up all his stuff. At least I'm laughing as I write about it now. Oh, why could he not have come home in the spring? Because then I wouldn't have these great stories!

    Final rule for today: Never go for a walk, or anywhere, with your kids without your charged cell phone. We called Daddy to come rescue us so many times that T learned that if the cell phone came out, Daddy was going to show up. So he'd be sitting in the back seat, refusing to get into his car seat or let me buckle him. I'd pull the cell phone out of my pocket and that kid would be in his seat so fast and ready to be buckled. Daddy never beat him or anything. He was never even ever angry. He was always very calm, picking up the kid and putting him in his car seat. It's either cultural or that he can just sense Daddy's greater physical strength. I don't know, but that cell phone was a lifesaver.

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    1. As a one-car family, summoning Dad might not work for us. So I guess we'll never leave the house. :)

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    2. Well, on one occasion we were walking around our neighborhood and he plopped his little behind in a wet, slushy driveway three blocks from home because I wouldn't let him race the mail truck. (what was I thinking, going so far away? And I tried going a different route than the mail truck, but the darn thing seemed to be honed in on us, like it was caught in our tractor beam) Daddy came and got us that day too. By the time he got to us, we were actually on the move again because after about 15 minutes of steadfastly refusing to move, T started lifting his butt and looking at it quizzically. The cold wet slush was started to seep through his pants, a sensation he'd never felt before. Finally, cold and wet enough, he got up and started to walk, albeit turning to look at his butt every few minutes. I had to call with new coordinates. See, if I hadn't brought him home with us in the winter, I wouldn't be laughing about this now!

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  9. Kyra, there's already plenty of wisdom in this comments section, but I just wanted to say don't hesitate to reach out to people that have been there. We found that even though we did a good job of preparing ourselves for what might happen, just like you have, it still felt SO hard when it was. Please feel free to get a hold of me whenever - just to vent - sometimes you just need someone's who's been there to hear you - or for suggestions. Connections to other adoptive mommas have been a huge source of encouragement for me this year. So excited to see pictures of them home!

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    1. Thank you, Dakota. I agree, no amount of preparation is going to be enough when we're in the throes of it. I just have to remember that we WILL eventually come out the other side.

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  10. ..and you may be right. You may have none of those things. Good luck!

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  11. You are so smart to be taking this seriously. I did not and it was hard! Best to you!

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  12. While I am not in the same shoes (just run of the mill regular US parent), I recently had a conversation with another run-of-the-mill parent and both of us have children who wake very very unhappy - I'm not sure if the transition from sleep to wake is just hard or it's simply hunger but if breakfast is ready as soon as they wake and they are placed in front of it, the mood changes rapidly. Just something you might want to experiment with.

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  13. It sounds like you are well-prepared and have a great support system. I'm sure the road will be rough at times. Kudos to you for keeping it real, we'll all be cheering you on!

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    1. Thank you! The online support is amazing. Unfortunately we'll be moving states soon after the boys get here, so the real-life support will be a challenge. In the end it will be good, we're moving to within driving distance of family.

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  14. Well done on such excellent preparation - while we luckliy did not experience any of those issues, I spent much time reading and reading and reading and well..... more reading. If nothing else, it felt right to have knowledge and resources in place.

    All my best as you step out on this grandest of all life's adventures!

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  15. I got plenty of well-meaning advice before the adoption but these three have been my 'guidelines':
    1. Children don't break if their parents sometimes make mistakes. (I was so relieved to hear this - I don't have to be perfect all the time!)
    2. Remember to take time for yourself. (Coming from a single mum with an adoptive daughter, I think she must know what she's talking about.)
    3. You get a lot of advice but in the end, remember that you are their parent and you know what is best for your children. (This has helped me trust my instincts.)
    And here's a piece of advice of my own... Let your friends and relatives know how you wish them to act the first times they meet your children. This might be different for us since our son is younger but I really had trouble explaining some people that the time well meaning hugs and kisses is a bit later when everybody has had some time to adjust.
    Anyway the way you are prepared is great. Also be prepared for the nice surprises! I honestly wasn't - I had read and heard about all the possible problems but had not prepared myself to the fact that things might also go ok most of the time!
    PS. I so recognise these toilet episodes! And not to be too lonely in the toilet, our dog has also decided to follow us there. So I never pee, brush my teeth or do my hair without my two companions...

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  16. Salla! Nice to see you back in the online world! I'm so glad that things are going well with you.
    I really appreciate your advice #1. When we first started talking about adopting an older child, my biggest concern was that when I screwed up, they would be old enough to remember it and hold it against me. But we all eventually do that to our parents at some point, right?

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  17. Yep, you are right! No such thing as a perfect parent. All we can do is our best and maybe try not to repeat the mistakes our own parents did - and then do our own :)

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  18. You'll do beautifully. Thanks for keeping us updated and grounded.

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