Tuesday, June 11, 2013
D's challenges at one year
People say, It'll be easier on him, he's still young, he doesn't remember, he doesn't understand. It
is so much harder on you. None of it makes sense. You do have memories,
but they are flashes. You do understand, but you understand now, not
how now fits in with before and after. You have no cohesive narrative.
Everyone needs a narrative to tell themselves of their lives. You have
these puzzle pieces, and you has no idea how they fit together and what
picture they're making. How can that be easier?
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Oh how I struggle to find patience, tolerance, forgiveness for the those who believe younger means easier. My son lost his birth mother at one month of age. It isn't easier. Nothing about any of it is is easy for any child at any age. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteThat's such BS. There is so much evidence to state that children record memories and store them as young as a few months old. People are idiots. You however are not. And you will help him shape and piece together his narrative, whatever it looks like.
ReplyDeleteIt is NOT easier!!! What I was told when T came home was that 3 - 4 is one of the toughest ages, because they have strong memories, but have not yet developed the ability to process/understand/reason through their experiences. I do my best to create a narrative out of the little glimpses I get. This story here, that story there. When I try to embellish to fill in the gaps, I get called out on it....
ReplyDeleteI don't think people are idiots, or mean to be callous. If you haven't thought about adoption much, it sounds logical that younger is easier. I know we thought that when we started out. It was one of the reasons it took us many months to decide to increase our age request (sooooo glad we did though!).
ReplyDeleteIt sucks to lose your Plan A, no matter how old you are. But, having adopted at the ages we did, I can guarantee it's going to be easier for Lucy. But D wasn't a baby. He has plenty of time and memories to deal with. I've started working on our kids' life books, but need to give myself a kick in the ass to get them done. I think we're ready for that.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. It's not easier, it's incredibly confusing. The flashes, like you say, are strong, it seems, and all the more difficult to process. We are trying to help him with the narrative, but it's a lot to process and understand. Any tips that are working with your little one?
ReplyDeleteI just try to bring things up, when it seems natural, to explain, "This is what happened to you..." I don't wait for him to bring it up, because I doubt he would.
DeleteWe do this, too - we have to bring up the story, or we'd just get a brick wall and a lot of coping behaviors. I had NO IDEA how hard it would be for Z to process her story, coming to us at three years old. But of course it makes so much sense now. She remembers a ton of little instances, and our experience is that with the initial language barrier, she got used to not talking about what she did remember and how she felt/feels about it, so it has been harder for her to approach the subject now. I think that not talking about it feels safer to her. Telling her that if we talk about it, it will help her feel better, is a pretty tough sell. But I keep pressing on because I know that it's important, that it will be hard for her now, but make it easier later.
DeleteIt must be so, so hard for him to try to piece it all together and understand.
ReplyDelete