We go to the Ethiopian church once every two or three weeks. The last few visits have been wonderful. Have I mentioned that religion is never, ever spoken of outside of the sermon? Here's what we've been getting out of it: Beautiful music, friendly people, delicious food, Ethiopian-American children modeling how to straddle two cultures, and a growing reconnection to Ethiopia. The boys barely complain anymore about going. Today I took A back to the "bible study" room for first time, and guess what?!?! There was no bible study!!! It was an Amharic lesson!!! This church is awesome!!! And while A was in the back having the importance of preserving his language skills totally validated, D was with T stuffing his face with vegan fasting food (in a memorial service and I'm sorry for someone's loss and thank you to that someone for the food). Then we met a woman who lives near our house, a new potential friend... and it was just fun. Feeling grateful for the Ethiopian church.
An aside: I've realized I have a double standard when it comes to Ethiopians and everyone else. Ethiopians can ask, "What happened to their family?" and I have no problem with it and answer honestly, but if anyone else asks it feels intrusive and creepy. It's all about what's appropriate in the speaker's culture.
Kyra, I feel the same way when asked about my kids' stories by an Ethiopian. It feels like there is also an extra layer of understanding because they likely know not only the tragedy that exists in Ethiopia, but the beauty and strength of the country and are taking things more at face value rather than some sort of dramatic soap opera-story. Glad to hear you feel comfortable with this too; I've often wondered if it's just another manifestation of my tendency to over-share almost everything.
ReplyDeleteDitto, that's it exactly dcorey. They understand the context and the complexity.
ReplyDeleteI have the same feelings as well. I almost feel like when i see Ethiopian families here, its like I owe them an explanation for how Sam came to be mine :)
ReplyDeleteHmm, I feel the opposite actually. I was interrogated not too long ago by the owner of the Ethiopian restaurant we often go to. I didn't share any more than I usually do (and that's not much) but felt the lady was pushing for answers. I had to basically tell her it wasn't any of her business, and it doesn't matter to me if she is Ethiopian or not. I'm not completely sure what Ethiopians think about adoption and maybe my experience has been different but I don't feel I have to act any differently towards Ethiopians when it comes to sharing. This has nothing to do w/how my daughter experiences her culture, but with keeping her story to the few people who really should know it, family and friends.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your church is providing what you are seeking for your boys--it sounds like a lovely place with kind people and a wonderful re-connect to the Ethiopian culture. On your last post--your little one sounds a lot like ours. I'd love to see him interact with other kiddos more, so we are slowly, slowly working on that. But with adults, he's a pro.
ReplyDeleteAbout sharing information about our boys' history - I think it is one of those things that is very, very personal to each family. Some people choose to share with no one, and I completely understand that. That was us initially; we didn't even tell our immediate family. But then D wanted to tell everyone he met about his family in Ethiopia, with such pride, and the last thing we wanted to do was tell him he couldn't. So we decided to be more open with people he was likely to tell anyway. And like I said, I feel more comfortable telling Ethiopians. But I would never tell anyone what is right for their family. The only time I have a problem with people's decisions about sharing is when they trumpet to anyone and everyone, "Her mom abandoned her." I think that is very hurtful, both to the child and to the first parent. Anything else people choose to do, only they know what's best for their family.
ReplyDeleteKyra, you mentioned something about it being appropriate in their culture and I have found that the Ethiopians I have met (and have read a bit about this as well), tend to be very reserved and do not like personal questions. So, I am really taken aback when they feel free to ask extremely personal questions about my own daughter. I don't know if it's in their culture to be ok with discussing personal things about kids, but not about adults but in any event I find it odd.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that it is up to each family to decide what can and cannot be shared with others. What one family feels is right won't work for another but I also agree about the trumpeting a child's abandonment to the world. We had issues in school with my daughter's classmates not understanding adoption and I've gone in and read a story and talked to them about it. I have personally told my daughter that she should not share her story because she is not ready to explain all the issues surrounding her adoption. Believe me, the kids have no qualms about asking whatever question comes to mind. Mostly they come from wanting to understand and not from a mean place, but like I said, my daughter is not in a place to be able to answer these questions, so it's best to not go there just yet. As she gets older and able to understand more....she'll be able to share more w/ those she feels she can share with. Just my two cents.
It's interesting... the WHFC materials describe Ethiopians as not liking personal questions, but that has not been my experience (but I only know a handful of Ethiopian people, so I can't generalize).
DeleteThere's also this concept of ingroup and outgroup: I can ask personal questions to members of my ingroup but not to members of an outgroup. Maybe the Ethiopians I've met define my children as members of their ingroup, by virtue of them all being Ethiopian and me not. So they feel they can ask those questions. In a way they are excluding me from the group but not in a way that feels negative. Whereas when someone who is not Ethiopian asks me those questions, they are signaling that I am a member of their ingroup and my children are not, and that exclusion makes me bristle.
Anyway, it's late, time for bed.
So glad your church experience is paying off. We took the kids to our Ethiopian church for a Thanksgiving dinner on the evening before Thanksgiving. Imagine our disappointment when they served turkey and dressing! They had a guest pastor who told us all the world was going to end because we had elected too many non-Godfearing people and they were passing laws that were not acceptable to God. That took some explaining to the older kids on the way home.
ReplyDeleteYikes! Is this an orthodox church? There is an Ethiopian evangelical church near our house. We haven't been, but I imagine it would be more like what you're describing. My theory on the orthodox church is that it's been around so long that they don't feel the need to proselytize like that.
DeleteAmharic lessons? That's a dream come true. Another drawback of living in the middle of nowhere. :( But I'm happy for you and your boys. :)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a positive of living where we do. Access to an Ethiopian community was one of the factors we considered when we were moving.
DeleteThat church sounds awesome. Heck, I would go to church if it was like that; I've oftened envied the community that church-goers find and develop. What a fabulous resource for your family.
ReplyDeleteYou are fortunate, indeed, to call such a community home. So glad to hear what you have discovered there.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great community for your family. And am loving the discussion about privacy, telling our kids' stories to Ethiopians, etc. Since bringing home MB, my thoughts on privacy and sharing his story has definitely transformed. Basically because he is so open and stinking proud of his first family, we maintain a relationship there, etc, that it would seem weird (now) to not be fairly open when people ask. Every circumstance is so different, but I myself am very thankful MB loves to talk about his Ethiopian family.
ReplyDelete