Ethiopia return trip #3

This is a quick write-up of our trip to Ethiopia in July. It was a short trip.

We flew Emirates through Dubai. The e-visa got us through immigration quickly, then a long wait at baggage claim. We stayed one night at the Toronto Guest House, good value with restaurants nearby. The following day we took a bus from Meskal Square to Hawassa. Six hours, comfortable, no bathrooms. In Hawassa we stayed at one of the clean, cheap, but noisy guesthouses near the lake. We walked along the lake, went to the fish market, and gawked at the marabou storks. We stayed two nights. We also met up with the other family that we planned this trip with and we traveled together from Hawassa on.

The bus to Arba Min'ch left super early in the morning, so instead we took a private car. The drive was about five hours. We stayed at the Haile Resort. Definitely not worth the cost, but slept well. Taking 4 nights before starting toward our final destination was a good amount of time to get over jet lag.

I had arranged for a driver from Arba Min'ch. The driver took us all the way through Konso to Burji. Again, about five hours. Beautiful scenery along the way. 

And then my favorite part - reunion. We spent five wonderful days in the village. We met more relatives - every visit there are more. We learned more family history. The kids crossed language barriers and giggled over the universal humor of ticklish blades of grass and farts. We looked at a lot of photos. We visited the grave of a loved one. We ate until bursting and were told repeatedly that we weren't eating enough. The kids slept in the home of a relative. A steady stream of people came to see us and we lost track of who everyone was. We hugged a lot of people. We drank a lot of coffee. We went into town and watched a match between two local soccer teams. The kids took the cows to graze on the hilltop for the day. We took the donkeys to fetch water. We stumbled through basic conversations in Amharic. We exchanged phone numbers and made plans for better communication and future visits.

Then after five days the driver came to get us and we returned to the Tourist Hotel in Arba Min'ch. There we waited for news about Sidama, where the other family needed to go. While waiting we visited a silk farm, which was very interesting, and the kids went back to the Dorze village. On the second day we learned we couldn't go to Sidama, so the other family had their driver take us all back to Addis. We spent one day in Addis, then flew to Dubai. In Dubai we took the train from the airport for a quick look around, then we flew home. 

The highlight of the trip was having the other family to travel with. It was great to have someone going through the same experiences at the same time. It allowed the kids to bounce back and forth between their Ethiopian and American selves. 

The one mistake I made was not getting a cell phone.

My homework for next time is to improve my Amharic. 

Simple books in English and Amharic

I'm excited to start working on my Amharic again with these very simple books:

https://openheartsbigdreams.org/

Black History Month 2019

As usual, for my teacher friends to use as needed. In reverse chronological order, beginning with Barack Obama and ending with Phillis Wheatley. The focus is on political leaders, writers, and scientists. Please note that this year I made the list for adult English language learners, so you may need to adapt for children. There is some overlap with past years' lists.

1.    This Black American was the 44^th president of the United States from 2009 to 2017.

Answer: Barack Obama

2.    This movement was founded in 2013 after a jury found a White man “not guilty” in the shooting of an unarmed Black teenager. Its goal is to end racism in the United States criminal justice system.

Answer: Black Lives Matter

3.    This Black American was the first female African American U.S. Senator. She represented Illinois in the Senate from 1993 to 1999.

Answer: Carol Moseley Braun

4.    This Black American won a Nobel Prize in Literature in 1993. She wrote the novel Beloved.

Answer: Toni Morrison

5.    This Black American, known as “The Queen of Soul,” became the first woman in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1987. Her most famous songs include Respect and A Natural Woman.

Answer: Aretha Franklin

6.    This person was the first Black American astronaut to go into space. He became a NASA astronaut in 1979. He flew four missions to space and orbited the Earth 458 times.

Answer: Guion Bluford

7.    In 1969, this Black American became the first African American woman elected to the United States Congress. She was the first Black candidate for President of the United States.

Answer: Shirley Chisolm

8.    This Black American was the first African American justice on the United States Supreme Court. He was on the Supreme Court from 1967 to 1991. Before he became a judge, he was a lawyer who won the case for school desegregation in Brown v. Board of Education.

Answer: Thurgood Marshall

9.    These Black mathematicians sent the first American astronauts into space. They were “human computers” who worked at NASA. They performed the calculations needed to launch humans into space – and they did them by hand. You can learn more about these women in the movie Hidden Figures.

Answer: Katherine Johnson, Mary Jackson, and Dorothy Vaughan (VAHN)

10. This Black American was a leader in the Civil Rights Movement. He was a minister who believed in the power of non-violence. The FBI called him “The Most Dangerous Man in America.” His 1963 “I Have a Dream” speech is one of the most famous speeches in U.S. history.

Answer: Martin Luther King Jr.

11. This Black American is known as the “mother of the Civil Rights movement.” In 1955, as a member of the Montgomery, Alabama NAACP, she chose to be arrested on the city bus in order to challenge racist bus laws. Her arrest started a year-long boycott of Montgomery city buses.

Answer: Rosa Parks

12. This internationally famous Black singer had been denied entrance to Constitution Hall in Washington DC in 1939, so she performed in front of the Lincoln Memorial. She sang there again in 1963 during Dr. King’s March on Washington.

Answer: Marian Anderson

13. This Black scientist studied at Temple University and worked at Bell Labs. He invented the foil electret microphone in 1962. Ninety percent of microphones today, including in phones, camcorders, and baby monitors, use his technology.

Answer: James West

14. This Black athlete broke the color barrier in baseball in 1947 by playing with the Brooklyn Dodgers. He was an All-Star player for six years in a row. On April 15 every year, every player on every team in Major League Baseball wears his number, 42.

Answer: Jackie Robinson

15. This Black writer was a central figure in the Harlem Renaissance. Her best-known work is the 1937 novel Their Eyes Were Watching God.

Answer: Zora Neale Hurston

16. In 1912, this Black American invented the first safety hood so that firefighters and rescue workers could safely go into places filled with smoke and poisonous gases. In 1923 he invented the first traffic signal with a warning light.

Answer: Garrett Morgan

17. This Black American was an inventor who improved travel by train in the 19^th century. He received 57 patents for his inventions. We use his name today when we call the original and best thing “the real McCoy.”

Answer: Elijah McCoy

18. In 1887, this Black American designed an important safety feature for elevators – their automatic doors. Before his invention, people had to close the elevator door by hand. If they forgot, they risked falling out of the elevator.

Answer: Alexander Miles

19. This Black American invented one of the first washing machines in the 1880’s. Her invention was a hand-cranked machine that passed wet clothes between two rollers, squeezing out the water and dirt.

Answer: Ellen Eglin

20. This Black American was the principal of the Institute for Colored Youth, now Cheyney University, the country’s oldest historically Black university. He worked to desegregate Philadelphia streetcars, once spending the whole night in a streetcar rather than give up his seat. There is a memorial to him outside Philadelphia City Hall. He was murdered by a White man in 1871 when he tried to vote.

Answer: Octavius Catto

21. In 1870 and 1875, these Black leaders became the first African American senators in the United States Senate. During the Reconstruction period after the Civil War, federal troops briefly safeguarded the rights of African Americans. Racist state governments revoked the newly won rights when Reconstruction ended in 1876.

Answer: Hiram Revels and Blanche Bruce

22. This Black American escaped from slavery during the Civil War by taking a Confederate ship and sailing it north. He was a ship’s captain for the Union during the war and a member of Congress after the war.

Answer: Robert Smalls

23. In 1857, this enslaved Black American sued for his freedom in the U.S. Supreme Court. The Court ruled that he was the property of his owner and that Black Americans were not citizens of the United States.

Answer: Dred Scott

24. This Black American escaped slavery and became an activist for African American and women’s rights. Her 1851 “Ain’t I a Woman?” speech at the Ohio Women’s Rights Convention is one of the most famous speeches in U.S. history.

Answer: Sojourner Truth

25. This Black American was a slave who escaped to Pennsylvania in 1849. Over the next ten years she completed 19 secret missions to rescue over 300 people from slavery. You can visit the house where she sheltered escaped slaves on Germantown Avenue in Philadelphia.

Answer: Harriet Tubman

26. This Black American escaped from slavery in 1838 to become a famous writer, speaker, and newspaper publisher. After the Civil War he became president of the new Freedman’s Savings Bank.

Answer: Frederick Douglass

27. In 1794, this Black minister founded the African Methodist Episcopal (AME) Church, the first independent Black church in the United States. The church is located at the corner of Sixth and Lombard Streets in Philadelphia. It is the oldest church property in the United States to be continuously owned by African Americans.

Answer: Richard Allen

28. This Black American was sold into slavery in 1761 when she was seven years old. She went on to become an internationally famous poet and one of the first published poets of colonial America.

Answer: Phillis Wheatley

Ethiopian pride

Birthplace of humanity?
     Check.

Amazing food?
     Check.

Gorgeous landscapes?
     Check.

Fifty percent female cabinet?

     Check.

Female president (ceremonial)?

     Check.

Female Supreme Court president?

     Check.

So proud of Ethiopia's recent strides toward gender equity!

How we got here (book and podcast recommendation)

I've been doing a lot of learning about the origins of race and racism in the United States, and want to share the resources that I think have been the best.

If you read only one book about how American racism was constructed, it should be Stamped from the Beginning by Ibram X. Kendi. The book presents three belief sets - segregationism, which says that Black people are inherently inferior and racial disparities are natural; assimilationism, which says that discrimination created Black inferiority and racial disparities will disappear when Black people are fixed; and anti-racism, which says that there is nothing wrong with Black people and racial disparities will only disappear when we stop discriminating. Kendi traces these three belief sets through the lives of five figures - Cotton Mather, Thomas Jefferson, William Lloyd Garrison, W.E.B. Du Bois, and Angela Davis (this last being the one weak part of the book). I learned so much from this book that I ended up underlining about half the text. It continuously made me realize that there is nothing new about our current arguments about race. Assimilationist ideas run as deep as segregationist ones - if Black people just acted the way White people wanted them to act, racism would be over. Kendi calls this "uplift suasion" - the idea that it is the responsibility of Black people to persuade away racism - and he shows how in the 500-year history of American racism, this has never worked. It hasn't worked because racism doesn't come from anything Black people are doing wrong, nor from White ignorance and hate. Racism comes from a tiny and powerful minority seeking to maintain their power.

If you listen to only one podcast about how American racism was constructed, it should be Seeing White, especially Episode 32: How Race was Made and Episode 33: Made in America. These two episodes will show you in a nutshell how it all began.

If you're looking for more, here are a few other books that I've read:

Race in North America by Audrey Smedley - comprehensive and well-written history.

Birth of a White Nation by Jacqueline Battalora - not as well written but useful focus on the origins of racism in colonial America.

The History of White People by Nell Irvin Painter, The Invention of the White Race by Theodore Allen - I haven't finished either; the writing is a little dry, but both are worth a second look.

Slave Counterpoint by Philip Morgan - a close study of African American culture in the colonial South; I've only read part.

If, like me, you've looked at race relations in America today and wondered how we got here, these resources will go a long way toward answering your question.

'Those Kids Are No Longer Yours'

"The very concept of 'adoption' in the Western sense—one that involves the forfeiting of parental rights—is so alien that there’s no equivalent word for it in the local languages. It’s unheard of for family ties to be permanently severed."

‘Those Kids Are No Longer Yours’: An Investigation into Uganda’s Adoption Market - The Nation, 10/11/18

Another check-in on family plan

As of today, a hateful reality-show D-lister has been president of the United States for 1 year, 5 months, and 15 days. How are we doing with our family plan?

One part of the plan was about emotions vs action. Outrage can fuel short-term action but can quickly lead to paralysis, and it’s also often not based on fact. The narrative that everything was fine in America before Trump, and that we have suddenly, precipitously turned into Nazi Germany, is not helpful. The first part is inaccurate and offensive – Clinton escalated mass incarceration and crippled the social safety net, W started an unnecessary war that led to hundreds of thousands of deaths and tanked the economy, and Obama separated tens of thousands of children from their undocumented immigrant parents. The second part, that we are becoming Nazi Germany, some days I believe it, like when the Supreme Court upheld the Muslim ban. Other days it seems that Trump is “only” doing what the U.S. government has done for most of its existence – enrich the wealthy, comfort the powerful, and use any means at its disposal to keep the rest down. But even if it is true that we’re turning into Nazi Germany, then the answer is not outrage, it’s resistance. Outrage is a brief flash of anger; resistance is enduring and strategic. The U.S. has a long strong history of resistance. Rushing out to start a new protest may make us feel like we’re doing something. Joining movements that have existed for years and are led by affected people with experience and a sense of history will get more done. We need to keep our heads in the right place if we’re going to be effective.

A main focus of our action has been to be more politically active. We are now both elected committee people in our local Democratic party. We have done a ton of canvassing for candidates at the state and congressional level. Some have been successful, others not, but one undeniable success has been an increase in voter participation. In May, Pennsylvania held primaries for congressional seats.  Typically off-year primary elections see very low turnouts – if 20% of eligible people vote, you’re doing well. Our statewide average this May was 18%. T and I canvassed all over town, and in our precinct at least, after two quick rounds of door-knocking, turnout reached 40%. Now we have a chance in November to turn both our congressional district and our State House district from red to blue. (As John Oliver points out, state races matter a lot. In my district, it’s a chance to kick out the guy who constantly tries to crawl into my uterus and replace him with a candidate who supports abortion rights.)

Our actions also focus on money. We are making more political donations than in the past, to both local candidates and candidates in swing districts across the country. We are continuing monthly donations to the ACLU and Planned Parenthood. And we have been giving more cash directly to people who need it. In my experience, the neediest people are the ones least able to access resources and giving only to programs leaves some people out. In the past year we have given about $1500 directly to individuals who need it. This falls far short of our goal and we need to step it up. I am thinking now about reviving the 10% challenge.

We also planned to take part in more protests and contact representatives more frequently. We have done some of that but not as much as we could. We need to do more.

The creation of racism

I believe categorizing people into “us” and “them” is a natural human instinct, but racism is not. Racism was created. When my children have asked me where it came from, I have always told them that slavery caused racism. In scale and brutality, American slavery was unlike anything the world had seen. But European slave traders and American planters still had to look at themselves in the mirror every day. Because they couldn’t bear to face the evilness of their own actions, they created the myth of racial superiority to justify their actions.

If something was created, that means there was a time before it existed. That’s kind of an obvious point, but I had never really thought about the time before American racism existed and about how it was brought into being. Recently I’ve been reading a lot about that time. It’s a very specific time and place – a few decades beginning in 1620 in the English colonies of Virginia and Maryland. I’m learning about the very first time the word “white” was used in law in North America to describe a group of people – in Maryland in 1681.

Before there were “white” people, there were English, Irish, Africans, and Indians; “civilized” people and “savages”; Christians and “heathens”; free people, tenants, and bonded laborers. These were all categories of “us” and “them” and it cannot be overstated how much life SUCKED for almost everyone. A few English landowners grew rich and everyone else struggled to survive and often didn’t.  I am not romanticizing this as an egalitarian society. But in the time before racism, the categories were different, and an Irish bonded laborer aligned himself with an African bonded laborer, not with an English landowner. Before the creation of “white” people, Africans and Europeans in Virginia and Maryland shared experiences of servitude and land ownership, married each other, voted at similar rates, and were treated similarly (mostly poorly) by the law.

During Bacon’s Rebellion in 1676, European and African laborers united against the ruling class (to hasten the theft of native land - again, not romanticizing). To prevent these kinds of rebellions from continuing, the English elite made a conscious and deliberate decision to create the category of “white” and the myth of white racial superiority. It is this consciousness and deliberateness that is new information to me. In the mid and late 17th century, the colonial assemblies of Virginia and Maryland passed law after law establishing different treatment for Europeans and Africans in owning bond laborers, manumission, owning livestock, marriage, holding public office, voting, serving in militias, owning weapons, and punishments for transgressions. They then required parish clerks to read these laws aloud in church once every spring and fall, and sheriffs to read them aloud in courthouses during the June or July terms of court. Historian Theodore Allen writes, “We must conclude that the general public was regularly and systematically subjected to official white-supremacist agitation. It was to be drummed into the minds of the people… thus was the ‘white race’ invented.”

I realize, as I learn this history, that I have participated in a “great forgetting.” Even though I knew race was an invented social category and I could put the creation of racism into its historical context for my children, somehow I had never thought about the details. Realizing this makes me feel horrified at how successful the myth of white supremacy has been. But it also makes me slightly hopeful. If many of us have forgotten, maybe we can collectively try to remember. Life in the English colonies in the mid 17th century was brutal and oppressive, but “white” and “black” people lived and worked and resisted together with little awareness of our current racial divisions. That image, that knowledge that it happened, helps me visualize a world where it will happen again.

Talking to kids about race and racism

There are many great articles about the importance of talking to children about race and racism. Posting some links here, primarily aimed at White parents:

Are We Raising Racists? "White children are exposed to racism daily. If we parents don’t point it out, show how it works and teach why it is false, over time our children are more likely to accept racist messages at face value. When they see racial inequality — when the only doctors or teachers they see are white, or fewer kids in accelerated classes are black, for example — they won’t blame racism. Instead, they’ll blame people of color for somehow falling short."

Color-Blindness as Intellectual ChildAbuse: Raising Anti-Racist Kids in an Unequal Society “You know the explanation… Anyone can make it if they try.’ Problem being, when we teach kids this — the cornerstone of our secular gospel — and then they look around, noticing in the process that some have not made it to the extent others have, what do they then conclude? And can we be surprised when that conclusion might be one that serves to rationalize racial and economic inequities? To make them natural, normal, the result of some groups merely being better and others worse, some smarter and others less so, some harder working and others lazy?"

Your 5-year-old is already racially biased. Here’s what you can do about it. "The crucial question isn’t 'Why bring issues of racial, ethnic, religious and other kinds of bias into our schools?' It’s 'how do we constructively engage the harmful biases we know pervade our schools and just about everywhere else? And what can we do to shape our children’s racial attitudes before and as they emerge?'"

What White Children Need to Know About Race “Because white students receive color-blind messages, they come to believe that merely talking about race is racist and, therefore, something that should be avoided. Students need to learn that there’s a vast difference between talking about race and being racist. Racial talk leads to greater racial understanding and helps undermine the power of racist laws, structures, and traditions.”

Moments in the life of a rule-following child

Me: Will you stop at the produce store and get me a lemon on your way home from school?
Him: We're not supposed to go into stores on our way home.
Me: The school doesn't want a bunch of kids going into the convenience store right after school. But this is just a lemon. At the produce store. For your mom.
Him: I'll get in trouble.
Me: How? By whom?
Him: The crossing guard.
Me: What will he do?
Him: Tell the principal.
Me: Really? The crossing guard knows your name?
Him: No.
Me: Then how will he tell the principal?
Him: He'll look through the yearbook until he finds me.
Me: The crossing guard will sit in the office and look at pictures of 500 kids because you went to the store to get a lemon.
Him: Yes.

                   *                     *                     *                     *                     *

Me: Here's a hard question. There's no right answer. It's supposed to make you think about power and responsibility:
Chris and Alex (insert any gender-neutral names here) live in a castle which is surrounded by a moat. There is one bridge, which is guarded. One day Chris leaves the castle, telling Alex that if Alex leaves the castle, Chris has instructed the guard to kill Alex. After Chris has left, Alex decides to go visit a lover outside the castle. In the evening, Alex needs to return to the castle, but the guard is waiting at the bridge. Alex goes to a boat captain and tells the captain the problem, begging for a ride across the moat. The captain asks for money, which Alex does not have. Alex goes to a friend, asking for money to pay the boat captain. The friend says they don't want to get involved and refuses to give Alex money. Alex returns to the lover looking for help, but the lover refuses to be involved beyond an afternoon tryst. Finally, desperate, Alex tries to cross the bridge to enter the castle before Chris returns. The guard kills Alex.
Here is the question - Who is most at fault for Alex's death? Chris, Alex, the guard, the lover, the captain, or the friend?

Him: (Look of relief on his face) I thought you said it was hard. It's Alex. Because Alex broke the rule.

                   *                     *                     *                     *                     *

Me: (Pointing to the left corner of the table) Over here are people who always follow the rules. They never cross against the light. They always drive the speed limit.

(Pointing to right corner of table) Over here are people who don't follow the rules. They want something, they steal it. They don't like someone, they punch them in the face.

Where do you think most people are on this line?

Him: (Points to a spot near left corner)

Me: Where do you think you are?

Him: (Points almost to left corner)

Me: Where do you think Martin Luther King Jr. was?

Him: (Points to air to the left of left corner)

Me: Nope. Martin Luther King Jr. didn't like the rules. He broke them so he could change them. He went to jail. He was here (Pointing to spot partway down on table).

Him: (Mind blown)

Centering whiteness

I have noticed something about myself, and I wonder if you, fellow White parents of Black children, will find this familiar. I notice that in conversations with Black adults about racism they have experienced, I have a tendency to try to signal that I am “a good White person.” I don’t do it consciously, and I usually don’t realize it until after the conversation is over, when I reflect on it and say, “damn it, I did it again.”

I have found it only slightly helpful to let go of the goal of not being racist and acknowledge that as a White person in America, I have been steeped in the toxic teacup of White supremacy so long that it’s impossible to not be stained by it. I will, whether I want to or not, at some point do or say something racist. There is no point in beating myself up over it, I need to acknowledge it, learn from it, and try to do better the next time.

But this has been only slightly helpful because in the end, it still makes the conversation about racism about me. It’s either “I’m a good White person,” or “I acknowledge White people's racism.” Either way, a conversation that began about racism against a Black person has now become about the White person’s feelings.

Centering whiteness – it’s a real thing.

Last week a Black child was the target of hate speech at my son's school and his mother came to me about it. My response was to speculate about what actions the White school administrators might take and to offer to go to the school with her for support. This response was not useful. What she really needed were my connections to the specific members of the school board who could most help her. But she had to push me to get what she needed because instead of focusing on her, I had once again centered myself and other White people. 

I had to sit down to figure out some concrete steps for how to stop doing this. Here’s what I came up with. It’s something really simple but I’m already noticing it changing my conversations. Now, when I am talking to a Black person about racism, I ask myself:

1. What is their goal? Their goal might be, as in the situation above, to get help for their child, or to blow off steam, or to offer advice about raising my Black sons. I guarantee their goal is not to measure how good or bad a White person I am. Asking myself what their goal is keeps the focus where it belongs, on them.
2. How can they use me? The syntax of this sentence is really important. Not how can I help them but how can they use me? Keeping “they” as the subject of the sentence keeps the focus where it belongs. If they can use me, great. I'll do what they need me to do. If they can’t use me, then I'll back off.

Like I said, very simple, but I notice it making a difference. What about you? How do you combat the centering of whiteness in your conversations about racism?

What he needs right now

When A was eight years old, I took him to Ethiopia. When he was ten, my mom took him and two of his cousins to Alaska. So when D's tenth birthday was approaching, T and I were very aware that it was time to give D a special experience of his own.

Enter my friend, S. Last spring, she and I were walking laps around the soccer field while our kids had practice. "What are you doing this summer?" I asked. "My in-laws gave us a Caribbean cruise," she said. "The only thing is, I wish we had another kid to take with us so our son won't be alone."

Ding, ding, ding!!! We have a winner!

Neither T nor I have ever had much interest in going on a cruise. But D? A week of unlimited food and five pools with water slides? Heaven.

So at the end of this past August, he went. S, her husband B, their 9-year-old son, and D. They flew to Houston and boarded in Galveston. They had such a good time. The boys spent their mornings and evenings in the funnest camp ever. In the afternoons they hung out with S and B at the pool. They had shore excursions to beaches in Honduras and Mexico, and they swam with dolphins. At the end of the trip, Hurricane Harvey prevented their return to Galveston, and they ended up with two extra days and an unplanned rerouting to Miami. It was a phenomenal experience for D and it definitely "evened the score" with his brother.

There was something else special about this trip. S and B are African American. S has a skin tone that is very close to D's. She told me that everyone assumed they were a family of four. For those ten days, D got to experience being in a family that looked like him. A family that drew no attention walking into a room. It was an amazing gift that S and B were able to give him.

After D returned I asked him how it had felt to be part of a Black family, and he said, "cool." That was about all he verbalized. But I noticed, as we moved into fall and winter, that his relationships with the Black adults in his life became more important to him. We had a wonderful fall soccer season on a predominantly Black team with many involved dads, including B, and D thrived. He discovered he had talent as a goalie and he played with a new confidence. I will never forget the pride on D's face as he blocked shot after shot while R, another Black man, literally shouted himself hoarse cheering for him (I should note that R's son was one of the top scorers on the team and also contributed heavily to his dad's hoarseness.)

I told R how much I appreciated his encouragement of D, and also of A, who unfortunately had a badly sprained ankle and missed most of his soccer season. R looked at me and said, "You know we're always looking out for them." I get teary-eyed thinking about it. Because he doesn't have to be looking out for my kids, but he is. 

Now we're in the middle of basketball season with the same core group of kids and the bond D feels with this group of dads is only getting stronger. He talks about them, reports on funny things they said or did, and has been trying out an exaggerated version of their speech patterns (one recent Saturday, he said nothing but, "yo, youngbo, chill, chill, youngbo" all day long).

I'm very thankful that T fully supports D's relationships with other dads. I can imagine an adoptive father feeling some jealousy, but T knows what his son needs right now and if he can't provide it, he's happy someone else can.

The other thing is that D seems to want me to be Black (just me, not T). Last month the basketball team had an outing to a university game and he told me I couldn't come because "ferenjis aren't cool." A couple of weeks ago, we watched a few episodes of Henry Louis Gates's "Finding Your Roots" and he turned to me and said, "What percent African blood are you? Like 90%?" It feels like, if he could will me into being Black, he would. 

This all seems pretty natural and OK to me. Children his age are figuring out who they are and for transracially adopted kids, the job is a little more complicated. When he asked if I was 90% African, I didn't say, "No, I'm White," I said that it was less than 90% but I probably did have some African blood in me, especially on my Mediterranean side. And look, my hair is curly like yours.

But part of me - the part that overthinks everything a million times more than necessary - wondered if I should feel that it's OK and natural. Maybe I should be concerned that my son thinks White people aren't cool? I looked up local therapists who listed racial identity development as one of their specialties. Should I take him to a therapist? I definitely overthink things.

Eventually I talked to S, who is a social worker, and she laughed and said, "No, it's normal." She shared with me a few things that her son, a Black child with Black non-adoptive parents, had said. 

So without reaching Rachel Dolezal heights, I will continue to minimize our differences and focus on what we have in common, and I will continue to surround him with Black role models. D will figure it out eventually.

Black History Month 2018

For my teacher friends - Use and adapt as you like

Black History Month – Scientists & Inventors Edition

1.    Have you ever thought about being an astronaut? Guion Bluford and Mae Jemison were the first African American astronauts in space. Guion Bluford was born in Philadelphia. He was a combat pilot before he became an astronaut. Mae Jemison was a doctor before she became an astronaut. The next time you look up at the stars, think of Guion Bluford and Mae Jemison.

2.    Have you ever traveled on a train? Elijah McCoy was a Black inventor who improved train travel in the 19^th century. He received 57 patents for his inventions. We use his name today when we call the original and best thing “the real McCoy.” The next time you see a train go by, think of Elijah McCoy.

3.    Can you imagine what driving would be like if stoplights only had green and red lights but no yellow warning lights? Can you imagine a firefighter going into a smoke-filled building without a mask? Garrett Morgan was an African American inventor who created the first traffic signal with a warning light, and the first gas mask for firefighters. The next time you see a stoplight or a firetruck, think of Garrett Morgan.

4.    Have you ever seen a security camera? Marie Van Brittan Brown invented the first home security camera in the 1960’s. The camera looked through a set of peepholes and sent images to a TV monitor. It also included a two-way microphone to speak with a person outside, and an emergency button to call the police. The next time you notice a security camera, think of Marie Van Brittan Brown.

5.    Have you ever seen a big truck on the highway bringing food to the grocery store from faraway places? That food needs to stay cold or it will spoil. Frederick Jones was an African American engineer who invented the first automatic refrigeration system for trucks. The next time you eat an orange from Florida or an avocado from South America, think of Frederick Jones.

6.    Have you ever had your vision checked? Patricia Bath is an African American doctor who co-founded the American Institute for the Prevention of Blindness. She invented the Laserphaco (LAY-zer FAY-co) Probe to treat patients who are going blind with cataracts. The next time you visit the eye doctor, think of Patricia Bath.

7.    Do you know anyone with arthritis? Did you know that many medicines come from plants? Percy Julian was an African American chemist who discovered how to use cortisone to treat arthritis. He made cortisone from soybeans. If you know someone with arthritis, you can tell them about Percy Julian.

8.    How did we send astronauts all the way to the moon? Mary Jackson, Katherine Johnson and Dorothy Vaughan (VAHN) were “human computers” who worked at NASA. They did all the math equations and calculations to figure out how to send a rocket to the moon – and they did them by hand. To learn more about Mary Jackson, Katherine Johnson and Dorothy Vaughan, you can watch the movie “Hidden Figures.”

9.    Do you like peanut butter? George Washington Carver was an inventor and a teacher. He researched peanuts, sweet potatoes, soybeans, and other crops. He came up with 300 uses for peanuts, including fuel, soap, and peanut butter. The next time you bite into a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich, think of George Washington Carver.

10. Do you like ice cream cones? You probably do! Alfred Cralle (CRAWL) was a Black business person who invented the ice cream scoop. Before his invention, getting ice cream into a cone was a sticky mess! Cralle received a patent for his ice cream scoop in 1897. The next time you get an ice cream cone, think of Alfred Cralle.

11. Eat healthy food! Not too much fat! Not too much sugar! Marie Daly was the first African American woman to receive a Ph.D. in chemistry in the United States in 1947. She studied how the body's chemicals digest food. Her work led to a new understanding of how foods can affect the health of the heart. The next time you chomp down on a fresh, healthy vegetable, think of Marie Daly.

12. If you have ever watched a TV show about space, you may have seen Neil deGrasse Tyson. Neil deGrasse Tyson is one of the most famous scientists in the world. He has written many books and hosted many TV shows about science, including Star Talk and Cosmos. If you want to know more about space, check out Neil deGrasse Tyson.

13. Have you ever used a washing machine? Ellen Eglin was an African American woman who invented one of the first washing machines in the 1880’s. Her invention was a hand-cranked machine that passed wet clothes between two rollers, squeezing out the water and dirt. The next time you see a washing machine, think of Ellen Eglin.

14. Have you ever ridden in an elevator? Alexander Miles was a Black man who, in 1867, designed an important safety feature for elevators – their automatic doors. Before his invention, people had to close the elevator door by hand. If they forgot, they risked falling out of the elevator. The next time you go on an elevator, think of Alexander Miles.

15. Have you ever used caller ID to see who is phoning you? Dr. Shirley Jackson is a Black woman who worked at Bell Labs doing research on telecommunications. Her discoveries enabled others to invent the portable fax, touch tone telephone, solar cells, fiber optic cables, caller ID, and call waiting. The next time you answer the phone, think of Shirley Jackson.

16. Have you ever used a microphone? James West is a Black scientist who studied at Temple University and worked at Bell Labs. Ninety percent of microphones today, including in phones, camcorders, and baby monitors, use his technology. The next time you record yourself on your phone, think of James West.

17. Do you wear sunscreen in the summer? Jewel Plumber Cobb was Black scientist who studied skin cancer. She researched the effects of chemotherapy drugs on human cells, leading the way to better tools for fighting cancer. She spent her career working for more opportunities in science for women and people of color. The next time you put on your sun screen, think of Jewel Plumber Cobb.

18. Are you wearing shoes? I hope so! Jan Matzeliger (YAHN mat-ZEL-lig-er) was a Black shoemaker who was born in Suriname, South America, and moved to Philadelphia. At that time, shoes were made by hand and took a long time to make. Matzeliger invented a machine that could make 700 pairs of shoes in a day. When you put on your shoes, think of Jan Matzeliger.

19. When is the last time you used a computer? Mark Dean is a Black engineer who invented many features of modern computers. Your computer uses a color monitor. It can do a billion calculations a second. It can send files to a printer. Mark Dean led the development of all these innovations. The next time you sit down at a computer, think of Mark Dean.

20. Have you ever dropped off clothes at the dry cleaner? Thomas Jennings received a patent for a dry-cleaning process called “dry scouring” in 1821. He was the first Black person to receive a patent in the United States. His process cleaned clothes without using water. The next time you take a suit to the dry cleaner, think of Thomas Jennings.

Three wins

Today each year I look back on the year and think of all the resolutions I didn't keep, the goals I didn't achieve, the Nobel Prize I didn't get... This year, for a change, I'll focus on three wins:

1. I ran my first and second half-marathons. For the first my goal was just to finish. For the second I set a time goal, and I made it.
2. I drove with my children across the country. We left T at Niagara Falls and reunited 3 weeks later in Seattle to spend a week in the San Juan Islands. In between we drove to Toronto, Lansing, Lake Michigan, Minneapolis, Sioux Falls, the Badlands, the Black Hills, Bighorn National Forest, Yellowstone National Park, Bozeman, Lolo National Forest, and Spokane. We learned history, saw beautiful geography, and met old family and new friends.
3. I helped local candidates win elections. I knocked on a lot of doors. In May, I helped keep cross-filed Republicans off the Democratic side of the ballot. In November, I helped elect Democrats to county council for the first time in forty years and I helped flip our local school board. 

What were your wins in 2017?

Parenting win

This fall D was going through a phase where he never asked for anything, he DEMANDED it. I came up with this reminder to help him change his behavior:

- Friendly face and voice
- Ask, "Could you...?" "Could I...?"
- Reason (give one)
- Thank you (say it)

The genius part is that the acronym spells FART. He makes a grumpy demand. I say, "D, could you FART please?" Hilarity ensues, behavior improves.

Suspicion

This happened one year ago. A had just turned eleven.

He was fundraising for his school. We were walking on our street together. I was standing two houses away from him to give him some independence while he knocked on doors and took orders for chrysanthemums.

He was knocking on H's door. A police car was driving by. When the officers saw him, they swerved across the road and came to a sudden stop against the curb, facing the wrong way. Two officers watched him. Both their heads turned and they watched my 4'9" eleven-year-old son.

I called out, "It looks like they're not home, sweetie."

Both heads snapped toward me. The car swerved back to the right side of the road and sped away.

For a year, I have tried to come up with an alternative explanation. I keep telling myself, "Maybe they were concerned about a kid locked out of this house." But there was no, "Hey bud, need some help?" And after they saw me, no, "Looks like you got this, Mom." No words at all.

A sudden swerve. Watching. And another sudden swerve away.

They weren't concerned. My local police saw my 4'9" eleven-year-old brown-skinned son and they were suspicious.

End of school year

A has finished 5th grade (on to middle school!!!) and D has finished 3rd. They both had good years.

A's accomplishments were mostly about academics and independence. His teacher allowed him a lot of freedom to manage his own time and he excelled at his work while remaining challenged and interested. His math abilities are through the roof - he averaged 100% for all four quarters and scored at the 99.9th percentile on a nationally normed test of math achievement. This last score, along with his reading achievement and his teacher's recommendation allowed A to qualify for the gifted program. It's funny, because traditionally "gifted" means an out-of-the-box thinker but A is just really, really good at achieving in the box. If he's gifted, it's at sheer stubbornness and determination. The boy will not give up until he has plumbed the depths of the box, explored every corner of the box, owned the box. But out of the box? No, thank you. Still, he is becoming more independent. He walked home alone from school most days this year. He spent a weekend at the beach with his best friend's family. And his favorite memory of 5th grade - four days at an outdoor education camp in Maryland - nature studies, swamp crawls, and zip lines.

D also had academic success this year with solid A and B equivalents. His place to shine is memorizing all kinds of facts - presidential history, basketball stats, and geography. Name a year, he can tell you who was president. Name a basketball player, he can tell you how many points he scored his rookie year in the NBA. Show him a blob and he can identify it as the outline of Belarus (next year I'm definitely registering his school for the National Geographic Bee). The way D learns many of his facts is interesting - he reads the same materials multiple times and then sings information to himself while he shoots an imaginary basketball... ♪ MARtin Van ♪ BUren (swish) ♪ 1837 to (swish) 1841 ♪♪. People are constantly amazed by how much he knows. His other big accomplishment was social - for the first time he has been willing to inviting friends into his space at home. He made a really good friend in N. They've been inseparable at school and have been spending time together outside of school too. It's been exciting to see D step out from under his brother's shadow and form such a strong friendship on his own.

What else are we supposed to do?

Mom, can I go play basketball?

You know I don't like you going anywhere.

Aw, Mom, just to the rec center to play basketball.

Listen, any trouble happens, you walk straight home.

I will, Mom, I promise.

And they did.

Mom, I want to go to this party.

Your grades are good, you've earned some fun.

And I'll be there with my own brothers.

Absolutely no drinking, you hear me?

Of course, Mom.

Any trouble happens, you get in the car to come home.

I will, Mom, I promise.

And he did.

When they killed Trayvon, we were told our sons must never wear hoodies or get in trouble at school; otherwise, they deserve to die.

When they killed Michael, we were told our sons must never walk in the street or be rude; otherwise, they deserve to die.

When they killed Tamir, we were told our 12-year-olds must never be immature; otherwise, they deserve to die.

Tell me, please, tell me, what else are we supposed to do to keep them safe from the people who are supposed to keep them safe?

Goals for Return Trip #2

I had three goals for our trip to Ethiopia. Let's see how well I did.

Goal #1: Give our kids a positive experience of Ethiopia.
We absolutely met this goal. Six months later, the boys are still talking about visiting their family, about Lalibela and Lake Tana, about the food, even about the Edna Mall. There were definitely things about Addis that they didn't like but those were minor compared to the pride and knowledge of their country that they gained. I give us an A.

Goal #2: Do it as affordably as possible.
We spent about US $4,800 for six weeks. This includes lodging, transportation, food, activities/guide/interpreter fees, and souvenirs, but does not include gifts to family in Ethiopia. It works out to just under $120 per day. We cut costs by mostly staying in guesthouses in the "budget" and "moderate" categories, and by camping for our week in the kids' village. A good strategy was to find cheap accommodation near a nicer hotel, then get a day pass and use the hotel's pool and other facilities. We probably saved the most money by not having a driver. Instead we used a combination of mini-buses, buses, bajajes, and locally arranged private cars. For longer distances, we flew using the huge discounts available to anyone who enters the country on Ethiopian Airlines (for example, Lalibela to Addis was only $63 for me and $53 for each child). We only used an interpreter when we were in the village and the rest of the time English and my minimal Amharic were sufficient. For tourist attractions we found the guides on site or those arranged by our guesthouses to be very good and affordable and we didn't need to bring an outside guide. Despite getting ripped off a couple of times, we did well. I give us an A-.

Goal #3: Be a bottomless well of patience.
I knew the trip would be challenging for the boys and from the first day I saw behaviors that I hadn't seen in years. One of the boys returned to what I call "shadowing," where I start to say a sentence and he finishes it with me but with a quarter-second delay - "What would you-you like-ike to-to drink-ink? Do-do you-you want-want a Fanta-anta?" This was actually a helpful strategy for him to learn English. On our trip I was generally understanding when he started to do it again. But have someone shadow you every day for weeks without a break and you will see how grating it gets. There was also a lot of complaining from one boy, especially when it came to walking anywhere. I did a good job being patient with it but it didn't leave much patience for other annoyances. Between the shadowing and the complaining, I had two blow-ups on the trip. And by the end of the six weeks, with my husband around to share parenting, I had moments when I literally hid from my children. Overall, I give myself a B-.