tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post8728200494779443697..comments2023-12-14T06:06:39.934-05:00Comments on Agnostic Adoption: Feeling itKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01649845469609235886noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-72908595928385099182012-12-25T18:31:47.098-05:002012-12-25T18:31:47.098-05:00I was just going to write that, S. That was the fi...I was just going to write that, S. That was the first piece of advice other APs told us when we started the journey. Never really knew if I could do that, but sometimes, even as a waiting parent, I fake it to others... 'Oh, yes, it's great. Waiting is great. etc etc'Mama Gringahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06527601731117190007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-57848935580147117782012-12-25T18:29:24.715-05:002012-12-25T18:29:24.715-05:00You are spot on Barb. The expectations we hold for...You are spot on Barb. The expectations we hold for ourselves will never be met if we don't cut ourselves some slack. We are human, not machines. It's never easy this entire journey we are all taking. :)Mama Gringahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06527601731117190007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-28472854386225642482012-12-22T10:43:35.167-05:002012-12-22T10:43:35.167-05:00Jeesh, it seems like forever since I've been t...Jeesh, it seems like forever since I've been to your blog. Love catching up and love everything about this post. I suck at cheerleading. You just inspired me to do better, because it is so important and it does work. Captain Murdock {Godwilladd.com}https://www.blogger.com/profile/10151917245728402556noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-57575102418606640552012-11-28T20:00:39.159-05:002012-11-28T20:00:39.159-05:00Sorry, but you don't get those titles... Penny...Sorry, but you don't get those titles... Penny does. And if you are giving those titles to yourself, then your Penny deserves them, too.Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01649845469609235886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-54058217451970373782012-11-28T19:59:39.600-05:002012-11-28T19:59:39.600-05:00Thank you, Kelly, I really appreciate the support!...Thank you, Kelly, I really appreciate the support!Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01649845469609235886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-30084650049393839682012-11-27T21:05:35.211-05:002012-11-27T21:05:35.211-05:00I needed to read this again today. I haven't ...I needed to read this again today. I haven't been a very good cheerleader lately. More like Nagger of the Year, Dream Killer, Sucker of All Things Fun. SO....I stopped by for another reminder. Thanks.Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13468881865772390593noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-67897601264551574282012-11-25T17:08:45.378-05:002012-11-25T17:08:45.378-05:00In reading this I had many of the same responses a...In reading this I had many of the same responses as others above did. First, I think ALL parents feel this; not just those who adopt. I know many a new (biological) mother who has reported similar feelings. Sure, they're not dealing with attachment issues and struggling to assimilate young children to a whole new world, but they're feeling the same doubts and worries and even the "why did I do this?" feelings. I am certainly one of them, too - I feel like utter crap when I don't love every second of my new and long-awaited life. And second, the whole "fake it 'til you make it" thing has truly worked wonders for me in the past. Penny does sound like a true PITA but I hope you keep finding ways to keep her at bay. The cheerleading approach is a great one! I'd suggest therapy, too (it's my best friend, and I'm aching to try to find a way to get back to it with a baby in tow), if that's something you're open to. There's nothing like talking through your feelings to help with some self realization and self-worth building. (Of course blogging helps with that, too!) Hang in there, mama - you are doing a great job by your boys. Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13533605951512372935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-22806040997472518242012-11-24T17:10:23.893-05:002012-11-24T17:10:23.893-05:00Build it. Penny or no Penny. She's seemingly ...Build it. Penny or no Penny. She's seemingly always there, whether lingering on the sidelines, or front and center.<br /><br />Give her a glance, but not the attention she craves. <br /><br />And as Kim says above, build it together...piece by piece. <br /><br />Feeling it or not feeling it, you are building history. <br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11682147507119770436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-57479299849842149052012-11-20T20:07:27.782-05:002012-11-20T20:07:27.782-05:00I've found that getting mad at her doesn't...I've found that getting mad at her doesn't work. Just ends up adding layers of self-criticism. I've found it's better to just let her have her say.<br />So glad for your recent good news!Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01649845469609235886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-87719686774001173692012-11-20T20:05:39.034-05:002012-11-20T20:05:39.034-05:00The best part is, often that insincere enthusiasm ...The best part is, often that insincere enthusiasm ends up making you feel more positive and becomes sincere!Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01649845469609235886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-50465037490575358332012-11-20T20:04:32.328-05:002012-11-20T20:04:32.328-05:00I'll tell you more at Thanksgiving. Love you.I'll tell you more at Thanksgiving. Love you.Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01649845469609235886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-48453617333528094682012-11-20T20:03:44.992-05:002012-11-20T20:03:44.992-05:00That is a very good point, about building history ...That is a very good point, about building history together. Thank you.Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01649845469609235886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-2932845852914740832012-11-20T20:02:53.598-05:002012-11-20T20:02:53.598-05:00It feels very "Feminine Mystique," doesn...It feels very "Feminine Mystique," doesn't it?Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01649845469609235886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-53616425717947150122012-11-20T20:01:32.285-05:002012-11-20T20:01:32.285-05:00I hadn't thought of that - cheerleading Penny....I hadn't thought of that - cheerleading Penny. Maybe that will shut her up.Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01649845469609235886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-5823517489377887532012-11-20T01:08:48.391-05:002012-11-20T01:08:48.391-05:00I struggle with feeling it on the days I think my ...I struggle with feeling it on the days I think my kids need me to feel it the most; I hate that. I love this story that you've shared. I can totally get behind that kind of enthusiasm, feeling it or not. Thanks so much for sharing.Maryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09098391747911095350noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-69409996754449777442012-11-19T23:01:13.625-05:002012-11-19T23:01:13.625-05:00As a parent of biological kids, I echo the not fee...As a parent of biological kids, I echo the not feeling it experience all the time. Even when I'm not feeling it, though, I know I love them. I have no choice. janushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05150855056281956072noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-24835822443521536862012-11-19T17:57:19.711-05:002012-11-19T17:57:19.711-05:00Let's knock me down off the pedestal so you ca...Let's knock me down off the pedestal so you can know, one of my kids in particular drives me nuts and it's such a deep shame that I cannot blog about it. Attachment is a two way street and I suck at driving the bus these days. Kinda unbloggable until I feel I am in a better place. But know you are not alone. scooping it uphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08801475653537826888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-73947743403240313112012-11-19T17:47:15.143-05:002012-11-19T17:47:15.143-05:00We are a year in and still struggle too. Some day...We are a year in and still struggle too. Some days we feel it, some days we don't. That includes my three bio kids, adjustments going on for everyone. I think the more history you build together helps. Shared experiences, holidays, regular days, all build that feeling. Kimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00309123353438481468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-34431844373651476832012-11-19T17:18:51.625-05:002012-11-19T17:18:51.625-05:00We have 'pennies' at this end of the world...We have 'pennies' at this end of the world as well! It seems we're all in the same boat. Life with children... Some days are great, some not so. Some days I am just bored to death of the cooking, cleaning, the same routines everyday, some days are full of surprises with laughter and cuddles (+ no one complains of mum's cookings and cleans their dirty socks from the floors). There are days when my Penny shouts at the top of her lungs but I have taught myself to tell her to shut up - she sometimes listens. This mothering thing - it is by far the most demanding job I ever had and I'm doing the best I can.<br /><br />I say you're doing great!Sallahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15475876948739559936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-40808799620002526842012-11-19T13:33:17.166-05:002012-11-19T13:33:17.166-05:00Everyone here is spot on with what they are saying...Everyone here is spot on with what they are saying. Someone once told me, "fake it til you make it." I think that more than applies to all kinds of mothering.Suehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09167285276763745176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-50923160504796469332012-11-19T13:03:37.510-05:002012-11-19T13:03:37.510-05:00Barb - this is so true - I think we DO hold oursel...Barb - this is so true - I think we DO hold ourselves to (unrealistic) higher standards and being kind to ourselves is the thing we don't do well enough. And yes, some of our kids do come with a love deficit and we work hard and long to fill up the holes. <br /><br />Kyra - you are doing what you can and when you can ...being a great cheerleader is a job in itself. Know that your friends (virtual and real life) are with you on this journey. Cheers for you. AnnaJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03383199662193653915noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-38223789022817210602012-11-19T09:51:36.815-05:002012-11-19T09:51:36.815-05:00I'm off to have a conference with my Penny- to...I'm off to have a conference with my Penny- to see what she wants me to call her. Turns out, the four letter word I usually use (that starts with a B) is probably not the right approach. I need to make friends with her. Yup. Tell her she's the best Penny (or whoever she is) in the whole wide world. Thanks for this.The Lost Planetistahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459092754901997729noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-82763253959164920712012-11-19T04:18:39.184-05:002012-11-19T04:18:39.184-05:00I've noticed something ... has anyone ever hea...I've noticed something ... has anyone ever heard a bio parent agonize over feeling it? I know a lot of bio parents, and they do not beat themselves up for feeling frustrated, tired, fed up and not madly in love with their kids every minute of the day. They joke about tricking other people into watching their kids, hiding from their kids, etc. I think sometimes when we adopt, we hold ourselves to different standards. (I suspect this is true even for APs with bio kids.) In a way, that makes sense. Our adopted kids have different needs; we start with a love and care deficit. And we've spent a lot of time and energy proving to strangers what wonderful parents we will be. But at the same time, we're human. I think ALL parents have times when we don't feel it. We just stumble on doing our best anyway, and it sounds like you're doing a great job.barb_aloothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07990706676816248438noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-14635793976946338982012-11-18T23:36:20.048-05:002012-11-18T23:36:20.048-05:00Guess what? When we finally decided to take our ki...Guess what? When we finally decided to take our kiddo that struggles to a therapist a little over a year ago, guess who spent far more time with the therapist than our kid? Me. My Penny (hmm, should probably think of a name for her) had gotten a hold of me so strongly that I needed more therapy than my kid did. As Penny began to fade into the background things with our struggling kiddo got easier. Said kiddo still struggles. A lot. But sometimes (I mean, most of the time) the biggest determining factor on how crazy it get is how loud Penny's become in my head. I still don't "feel it" with this kid more often than I do, but I do feel it more often than I used to. In fact, just an hour ago or so I stopped and looked at Brent and just marveled in how good this parenting/family stuff can feel (and particularly mothering our kid that struggles when they're not struggling so much). Hang in there Mamma. It sounds like you've developed a good strategy for right now!dcoreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15180238652180198727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603400846504081911.post-35236645778748572372012-11-18T21:23:37.576-05:002012-11-18T21:23:37.576-05:00Penny is unrealistic.
We've been home 15 mont...Penny is unrealistic. <br />We've been home 15 months and there are times when I don't 'feel it' either. I love my kids and cannot imagine life w/o them BUT being a mom is a really hard job. During our first several months (which were harder than hard) my own mother had to reassure me that it was ok that I wasn't 'loving' the whole mothering journey. Yes there were fleeting moments of joy and rushes of love and affection; but it seemed more often like a relentless slog. And when it wasn't a slog someone was throwing a huge tantrum... <br /><br />It's really hard Kyra; please give yourself some credit. From what I read here and on FB you are doing a tremendous job. Meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05622597895525196654noreply@blogger.com